Monday, July 22, 2013

Actual newspaper headline

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."
Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."
Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

School jokes

Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Student: Not really.

Question: What holds the sun up in the sky?
Answer: Sunbeams!

Question: What object is king of the classroom?
Answer: The ruler!

Computer jokes

Question: Why was the computer so tired when it got home? 
Answer: Because it had a hard drive. 

Question: Why was the fish afraid of the computer?
Answer: Because it did'nt want to get caught in the net!

Question: Through which windows we cannot get air?
Answer: Through computer windows.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Teacher and pupil joke

Teacher:Tommy, put some more water in the fish tank!

Pupil:Why,Miss,I only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.

Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There's no evidence that the change is due to evolution. What use would a mutation that produced part of a filament be?

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evolution can only produce different shapes of light bulbs; it can never change it into an animal.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Funny pictures

Marry devil sister

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

Kids From Split Families May Be Susceptible To Health Problems Later In Life

Children of divorce may be more susceptible to some health problems later in life, according to a new study.

Researchers at the University College London found that people whose parents split before they reached age 16 had significantly higher levels of C-reactive protein -- a blood marker of inflammation that's associated with greater risk of heart disease and Type 2 diabetes.

The study, published in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, included samples taken at age 44 from 7,462 people who participated in the longitudinal 1958 National Child Development Study.

Dr. Rebecca Lacey, lead author of the study, explained that disadvantages that arise after divorce -- economic hardships and fewer educational opportunities, for example -- could be to blame for the health disparity rather than the event of the divorce, itself.

"Our study suggests that it is not parental divorce or separation per se which increases the risk of later inflammation but that it is other social disadvantages, such as how well the child does in education, which are triggered by having experienced parental divorce which are important," she said.

This isn't the first time that a link has been found between divorce and children's health. In 2011, researchers found that children of divorce are more likely to contemplate suicide later in their lives than children whose parents remained together.

Click through the slideshow below for even more interesting divorce-related research findings.


Thursday, July 4, 2013

Today's funny pictures

Puns for kids

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. 

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


Thursday, June 27, 2013

I like your thinking joke of the day

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

One Liner joke for Kids

What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.

 What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

kids jokes one liners

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Why did the cow cross the road

Question: Why did the cow cross the road?

Answer: To get to the Mooovies!

Animal jokes

If animals have Facebook

If animals have Facebook..... these are most likely to be their Status Updates!

COCKROACH: "Managed to skip from some one’s foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!"

Cat: "My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her??, I don’t even remember"

Mosquito: "I am HIV positive.. this is all due to wrong sucking"

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Gwyneth Paltrow's Pancakes recipe

Cooking-Time:0hrs 30 mins

FOR THE DRESSING350g (12oz) plain flour
75g (2 ½oz) granulated sugar
3 ½ tsp baking powder
2 tsp fine salt
750ml (1 ¼ pint) buttermilk
75g (2 ½oz) unsalted butter, melted and cooled, plus more for cooking
6 large organic eggs
250ml (½ pint) milk
 maple syrup, warmed, for serving
  • 1. Whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt together.

    2. Whisk together buttermilk, butter and eggs in another bowl.

    3. Mix the wet ingredients in with the dry ingredients.

    4. Whisk to form a batter.

    5. Cover batter and allow to sit overnight.

    6. Heat griddle or non-stick pan and add some butter.

    7. Add milk to batter to thin it to proper consistency.

    8. Cook pancakes on griddle/pan, flipping when bubbles appear on non-cooked side.

    9. Cook for 2 minutes once flipped.

    10. Place on plate and serve with maple syrup. 
  • Celiac Disease

            Have you ever eaten gluten? No, not glue — gluten! If you've ever eaten a piece of bread, a slice of pizza, or a bowl of cereal, chances are you have.

    What's Gluten?

            Gluten (say: gloo-tin) is a protein found in wheat, rye, and barley — grains that are in many everyday foods. Most of us eat food with gluten with no trouble. But for some people, eating gluten can cause a reaction in their bodies. Someone who has this problem has celiac (say: see-lee-ak) disease.

            After you eat food, it goes to your stomach, which is part of a group of organs that make up your digestive system. An important part of the digestive system is the small intestine, which is lined with villi (say: vil-eye).

            Villi are usually described as microscopic, finger-like projections. Weird, huh? Fingers in your intestines! But don't forget that they're microscopic, meaning they are extremely small — so small you can't see them without a microscope. The villi are important because they absorb nutrients into the body.

            For someone with celiac disease, eating gluten — in a piece of bread, for instance — causes an immune system reaction. Your immune system ordinarily keeps you from getting sick, but in someone with celiac disease, the body starts damaging and destroying the villi. Without villi, the body can't absorb vitamins and nutrients from food. Without enough nutrients, a kid's body has a tough time staying healthy and growing properly. Even if the person eats a lot, he or she still might lose weight and might develop anemia (say: uh-nee-me-uh) from not absorbing enough iron.

    Rain a lot

    It really rained a lot! Look at the buckets she used.

    This joke comes from Kids Jokes .

    Speeding driver joke for kids

    Speeding driver joke for kids

    A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
    "Is there a problem Officer?"
    The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
    The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
    "You don't have one?"
    The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
    The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
    "I'm sorry, I can't do that."
    The policeman says, "Why not?"
    "I stole this car."
    The officer says, "Stole it?"
    The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
    At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
    "She's in the boot if you want to see."
    The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show
    up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
    The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
    The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
    "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
    "Murdered the owner?"
    The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
    The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
    The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
    The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
    The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
    The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the
    licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and
    murdered the owner."
    The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

    Thursday, June 13, 2013

    Me and my father

    Me and my father before exam

    Me and my father after results

    Sufficient salary

    Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

    Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me. But how will you survive?

    5 hours later

    Dad: Son, you'd better pass that exam, or else forget me as your father!!!
    Son: Sure, whatever, dad.

    5 hours later

    Dad: So, how was you exam??
    Son: Who the hell are you?