Teaching kids to handle fights with friends

                                                                                                     -By Jen Klein

Our kids are watching us all the time, watching all the behaviors, trying to discern right from wrong, okay from not so okay. This goes from everything from table manners to interacting with clerks in stores to, well, everything. Friendships included. Sometimes, when we adults get caught up in the parts of our lives we consider to be outside of parenting, we forget we're being watched. And when those issues include conflict, our actions have an impact on what our children learn. It sounds so obvious, but remembering and acting accordingly can be so hard.

In demonstrating friendship to our children, we need to show how to be a friend when things are going fine and in times of conflict. This is the part where I admit I didn't handle a conflict with a friend well several months ago -- and saw it all replayed before my eyes when my daughter had a conflict with one of her friends recently. Thankfully, both conflicts were resolved and friendships saved, but... ouch.

Hurt feelings and anger

Conflicts happen between people. People who love each other very much, whether platonically or romantically, can disagree. They are still individuals, and difference makes our world interesting. It's how we handle the conflict -- what we do with the feelings -- that makes the difference. We may not always handle things right (we're human!) but learning from our mistakes makes a difference.

In that misunderstanding with a close friend several months ago, my feelings were very hurt. Rather than communicate what I was feeling, I closed off and became angry. I stopped communicating with my friend. I did not answer her phone calls or emails for days and generally stewed. It wasn't pretty. I even knew that at the time, but I was angry and hurt and said I didn't care. Meanwhile, my friend was getting more and more hurt by my silence; she didn't know what had happened! As I said, it was a misunderstanding. Finally, after a long walk and a hard workout, I called her. We sorted out what had happened, said our apologies and moved on, though it was a little delicate for a couple weeks. All was better, or so I thought. Thing is, my daughter had been watching my behavior.

Mimicry

More recently, my daughter's teacher sent a note home from school noting some not-so-nice behaviors of my daughter toward one of her closest friends. For the teacher to get involved, the behaviors must be significant. I sat my daughter down for a talk.

When I asked, "Why did you think it was okay to treat your friend like this?" I was stunned and embarrassed when my daughter replied, "That's what you did when you had a fight with your friend."

Reviewing the basics

After calling the friend's mother, sorting things out -- and eating a very large serving of crow -- my daughter and I embarked on a review of friendship basics, as much for me as her. We talked about always treating friends as we want to be treated, respecting our differences and not intentionally doing such hurtful things as stopping communication when we are hurt or angry. We talked about differences of opinion and how to approach working them out -- and we talked about how misunderstandings can get blown out of proportion.

We also talked about my being a better example for her. My friendships have been incredibly rewarding (even when I screw up!) and I want my daughter to have such close friendships in her life, too. Being a good friend isn't always easy, but it's always worth it. Likewise, being an example of a good friend to your children isn't always easy either, but it's also always worth it.

My daughter has learned a good lesson about friendship from this minor fiasco. And I've learned that my kids are always watching.

Why are Some Parents so Overprotective?

      We hear it everyday. Many of today's parents are more overprotective than they once were. Teachers complain that parents are doing their children's homework for them. Children complain that they can't do anything without being under the watchful eyes of Mom or Dad. No matter where the children are or what they're doing, their parents are not very far away.

      Most parents certainly mean well. They want the best for their children. It's clear that parents should get involved with their children's lives as a positive mentor, teacher, and guide. As a society, we want parents to care about their children's feelings, successes, and goals. But sometimes, some Moms and Dads might do too much for their children. This can inhibit their children's ability to learn how to work and play independently.

     A helicopter parent is one who hovers over their child and swoops in at any sign of discomfort or challenge. They are considered by most to be overprotective.

Parents can be overprotective for all different reasons. Here are a few:

1. Need for control: Moms and Dads can't control Bin Laden. They have no control over the pedophiles or the kidnappers they read about in the paper. They can, however, control how their children spend their time and of course, with whom.

2.Bigger, Better, Faster: Children who are learning skills are usually slower and less adept than their parents. Therefore, it's not surprising for parents to feel that "It will be faster, bigger, bolder, and just plain better if I take charge."

3. Fear the failure: These Moms and Dads can not stand by and watch their child feel inadequate, unprepared, or miserable in any way. It is too heartbreaking. They believe that it's their job to shield their child from these negative emotions.

4. Desire to live vicariously: These Moms and Dads spend their time doing a large amount of their child's work and looking for acceptance and approval for their own performance. They get personally invested in every aspect of every activity their child engages in and take it to heart when their child fails.

5. Entitlement: These parents are constantly checking to see how you are treating their child in comparison to others. They keep their eyes on everyone else's plate. They believe that their child should get more of your time, additional energy from your staff, and lots of free "extras." If it will help their child, they will ask for it.

6. Need to keep them young: Some Moms and Dads are saddened by the idea of their children maturing and needing them less. When children are dependent on their parents, parents can feel needed and wanted.

It takes a very patient, secure parent to allow their children to employ self reliance. Children who are self reliant are confident in their own skills and therefore, are more apt to go after their dreams.

Getting Kids to Eat Fruits and Vegetables

Children are generally discovered avoiding fruits and vegetables in diet. Fruits and vegetables are essential part of diet for children. Fruits contain vitamins, minerals and all the nutrients in proper amount. Almost all dietician recommends taking at least five servings of fruits and vegetables everyday.

Many mothers complain about their children not taking fruits and vegetables. It is a big question how do you get kids to eat more fruits and vegetables, especially when they may only want to eat chicken nuggets and junk foods such as French fries and you don’t want to force your child to eat vegetables and fruits. You have not despair at that time, as the following tips can prove valuable if you want to give your children fruit and vegetable diet.

First thing you can do is to take help of kids for making menus of food, in shopping and also in preparation of food. By this your kids get interested more and more in fruits also they will get the nutritional and other values of that fruit. You can also look for children's cookbooks, which have kid-friendly recipes and basic cooking lessons.

You have to try a different vegetable every day and prepare it in different ways. All the vegetables can be served, raw, baked, steamed, grilled, in salad, in juice form, stir-fried and broiled. Try a wide variety and in different ways until you find the vegetables that your child will like and in the style they will like to eat them in.

You can find that food items that your child like and also that can be added with nutritional fruits and vegetables. Children like to play and sometimes mother’s complain that there child has lost so much in games that they even forget to eat. At that time, you can play with fruit and vegetables and also get children to use to handling them. Try to provide realistic fruit and vegetables for them to play with in the home corner, with pots, pans and plates so they can create their own meals or chop up the real things, dip it in paint and experiment with design.

5 Reasons Children Need Time to Play

      There are five reasons children need playtime and five ways parents justify not getting it, says author Sue Palmer, who gives the reasons, the justifications and some suggestions for getting play back into a child's life.

1. Toddlers learn through play. Learning is based on the quality of early play experiences. However, parents' fears about safety and germs often trap toddlers in front of the TV or elsewhere, corralled in safety seats and strollers.

Solution: Let your child stretch, crawl and explore her environment on her own with more floor time.

2. Fresh air and exercise make children healthy. Running off excess energy outside can benefit physical growth and coordination. Concerns about stranger danger, traffic and even weather conditions impact whether parents allow their children to soak up the sun.

Solution: Slap on some sunscreen and head to a park. Let your children run, play and explore in an open area to work off that energy and work their bodies.

3. Outdoor play develops kids' minds. From playing in the mud to sword fights with tree branches, outdoor activities unlock a child's imagination. Fear of "getting dirty" often puts a stop to this type of play.

Solution: Designate some clothes for outdoors or "getting dirty" activities so your child feels free to build those mud pies and sand castles, or just roam the outdoors without worry.

4. Free-range play teaches life skills and reduces bullying. Unstructured play produces everyday adventures and experiences that teach children how to make judgments and avoid danger. As a result of over-supervision, children don't have the opportunity to learn without immediate adult interruptions.

Solution: Let your kids work it out while you keep a watchful eye from a distance. They just might surprise you with innovative problem solving.

5. Physical education classes and competitive sports teach kids about collaboration and cooperation. However, in a society where accidents often lead to litigation, many schools discontinue sports and activities that carry the risk of physical injury.

Solution: Look into teams and activities sponsored by a local YMCA or sports league.

How to Say No When Your Kid Wants a Toy

For most parents, saying no to their children is hard. Parents may feel that they are being mean, unfair, or that they are denying their children life’s pleasures by not letting them have their every heart’s desire. Often times, parents take the saying, “Ask and you shall receive,” a bit too literally.

With brighter, shinier, faster toys on the market these days, it seems that children hardly have a chance to play with their toys before they want the newer, improved version of the thing you just bought last week. When I was young, I was given my siblings’ hand-me-down Barbie dolls and GI Joe action figures to play with. When those things got old, I was scuffled outside to play on the backyard swing set, slide, or tire swing.

Parents today are not able to keep up with the demand, and to supply each and every one of your child’s requests can become costly. These toys also seem to keep children cooped up in the house, allowing them to live alternate realities with out ever leaving their rooms. Don’t take my word for it, but this seems to me like unhealthy behavior!

It is important that parents are able to set boundaries for their children that instill values they can carry with them throughout adulthood. This includes developing coping and relationship skills with the rest of the world. If a child is used to always getting his way, think of how devastating it will be for that child to grow up and realize that the world isn’t always as positive.

Simply telling a child that they can’t have a certain item they want will not suffice. Those who have ever encountered a child knows that they always want to know what the reason for why everything is the way it is (we have to be prepared to honor those questions with valid answers that their minds can process.) Being up front and honest with them is the best way to do this. Yes, this basic law of social conduct applies to our children, too!

Here are some ideas to keep your kids happy while letting them down easy:

• First and foremost, establish an open relationship with your children. Be honest. Talk to them rationally and explain your reasons for saying no. Avoid raising your voice and screaming at all costs. This will only escalate the issue and turn it into a shouting war.

• Be consistent. If you say no, mean it. Don’t back down and don’t change your mind or give in ten minutes later. Following through with your decisions will give your child a sense of security.

• Get involved. If you child wants to go and hang out with friends and you think they are not quite old enough or ready to handle the situation, come up with an activity that you both would enjoy together. Check out that new comedy in the theater, go for a bike ride, play games together on the internet, or discover any museums your city has to offer. There are tons of opportunities out there! You could also offer to chaperone them on this trip or speak to their friends’ parents to switch off on monitoring them.

• Reinforce your veto with something positive. If you aren’t keen on buying your kid that violent new video game, offer to cook them their favorite dinner that evening. Keep your attitude positive throughout the whole experience so that they see there is nothing to get upset about.

Whatever your mode of disciplining your child, always remember to stay calm. Children mirror our ways and adapt to how we handle situations. Keeping your own emotions and actions in check is a sure way to rub off that good behavior onto your kids. Happy parenting!

Cooking for Your Children

       There are so many kinds of foods available which are specially cooked for making your child healthy and energetic. But some bad foods available in the market can leave bad impression in child health as well. Such like fast foods and snacks is harm for kids if taken in more quantity and could result in our children being fatty or sick.


       There is a responsibility of the parents to give right food to their kids and help the kids to make good eating habit so that the kids would not be sick and avoid any health problem. So, you can enjoy your happy living with your family. They are also called intelligent or educated parents.


       Please keep in mind that adult food can harm the kid’s health. Making food for kids is very easy task if you follow the right direction. It all depends on our available recipe list. If you know the good kids recipes then you are free from tension otherwise no need to be worry. Just check out some kid’s special recipes websites and print one the easiest recipe. One you would have the recipe then healthy food is not very far.


       I will suggest that always try to cook in your home of selected recipes, you can make hygienic food for children in this way. The kids food recipes are not children specific, you too can enjoy it. Also no need to scary for cooking daily. You still can enjoy your life, cook once and use the advantage of fridge. 

What Went Wrong When Children Stop Sharing Their Problems?

All parents desire that their children share their problems with their parents. However, many children do not share the same desire. Why does such a situation arise?

It is very often painful for children to bring up their problems to their parents. If, what they get in return from their parents are nothing more that irrelevant, and sometimes inappropriate, responses and instructions, the children will feel that it is not worth their trouble to be open with their parents. Also, sometimes, the responses are so disempowering to the children that they are actually not only counter-productive, they can be very damaging to their children's development.

We, as parents, have to understand the reasons why giving out advices without careful understanding is not helpful. We will have to learn to respond to our children's problems in such a way that we empower them to solve their own problems.

We shall now discuss the reasons why giving advices to our children the usaul way is not helpful to our children.

We assume that we know what the problems are and forget to first listen carefully in order to better understand the problems. As a result, due to lack of in-depth understanding of the real issues, the advice that we so readily provide will not be relevant and will not solve the problems.

Without sufficient probing, we may not understand our children’s points of view or perspectives on what trouble them. As a result we do not provide the solutions that our children need. When our children share conflict that they are having with their friends, we may start advising them on how to stay away from those friends while they actually may be feeling guilty for not treating their friends right and want to gain the courage to apologize to their friend. As a result we may be doing further damage to relationships that they are trying so hard to salvage.

In our eagerness and haste to provide the counsel, we forget to extend empathy to our children for the problems they are facing. Our children will not feel connected to us, and they may feel that whatever suggestions we provide have no bearings on their problems and are unlikely to be accepted.

As we are the one dishing out the advice, if the advice turns out to be good, the credit goes to us and not to our children. On the other hand, if the advice is taken and implemented but does not turn out to be successful, it is taken to be our children’s fault as the advice is likely to have been one that was successful when followed by another person. In this case, it is a lose-lose situation for our children because if the advice is successful, we claim the credit and if it is a failure, it is a reflection of our children’s incompetence and stupidity.

We take the position of the experts who have the knowledge and wisdom and we talk down when we give advice, instead of speaking as equals. We treat our children as if they have neither the knowledge nor the skills to handle the problems. It is a one-way traffic and likely to be resented by our children because they feel that we treat them as if they have nothing good to share with us.

We give the message that we think our children cannot develop the solutions themselves. This is disempowering for our children and will do great harm to our children’s development.

We do not show appreciation for the efforts our children have taken in solving their own problems. This will discourage them to take great efforts in coming up with their own solutions and taking the necessary steps to solve the problems when other problems crop up in the future.

They may just want to share their problems with us and do not want or need any counsel from us at all. Whatever advice we provide may not only be futile, but damaging to our children’s self esteem.

We shall now discuss what we shall take into consideration when we respond to our children's sharing of the issues that they face.

How are you going to understand their problems and help your children gain a better understanding of their own problems so that they can develop their own solutions? As parents, we encourage our children to connect the various aspects of the problem that trouble them in order to help them to have a good grasp of the specific issues that trouble them and encourage them to develop their own solutions.

How are you going to show sufficient empathy with your children so that they feel fully connected with you enough to express their real thoughts and feelings and be receptive of what wisdom you may have to offer? Our children want to feel that we are there with them - not just physically, but emotionally as well. We want them to feel that we do feel the way they feel. It is vital that we do not belittle their feelings.

How are you going to make the situations "win-win" for them? That is, how are you going to encourage them to develop their own solutions and they take the credit when they succeed and also take the credit for the efforts taken when they fail? If they are the ones who come up with the solutions they should be the ones who claim the credits when they succeed. On the other hand, if they fail, provide the encouragement that they have taken the efforts which are by themselves very admirable. When they fail, encourage them to get up again, examine the reasons for failure and try again.

The last, but definitely not the least, question is this: “What else can you do to make them feel that it is always good for them to bring their problems to you?”