“Mom, I’m bored.”
Makes you feel put on the spot, right? Most of us feel responsible when we hear this from our children and want to solve this "problem" right away. We respond to our kids’ boredom by providing technological entertainment or structured activities. But that's actually counter-productive. Children need to encounter and engage with the raw stuff that life is made of: unstructured time.
Why is unstructured time for children so important?
Unstructured time gives children the opportunity to explore their inner and outer worlds, which is the beginning of creativity. This is how they learn to engage with themselves and the world, to imagine and invent and create.
Unstructured time also challenges children to explore their own passions. If we keep them busy with lessons and structured activity, or they "fill" their time with screen entertainment, they never learn to respond to the stirrings of their own hearts, which might lead them to study the bugs on the sidewalk (as Einstein did for hours), build a fort in the back yard, make a monster from clay, write a short story or song, or organize the neighborhood kids into making a movie. These calls from our heart are what lead us to those passions that make life meaningful, and they are available to us even beginning in childhood, when we are given free rein to explore and pursue where our interests lead us.
It's also essential for children to have the experience of deciding for themselves how to use periods of unstructured time, or they'll never learn to manage it. One of our biggest challenges as adults, and even as teenagers, is learning to manage our time well.
As Nancy H. Blakey said,
“Preempt the time spent on television and organized activities and have them spend it instead on claiming their imaginations. For in the end, that is all we have. If a thing cannot be imagined first -- a cake, a relationship, a cure for AIDS-- it cannot be. Life is bound by what we can envision. I cannot plant imagination into my children. I can, however, provide an environment where their creativity is not just another mess to clean up but welcome evidence of grappling successfully with boredom. It is possible for boredom to deliver us to our best selves, the ones that long for risk and illumination and unspeakable beauty. If we sit still long enough, we may hear the call behind boredom. With practice, we may have the imagination to rise up from the emptiness and answer.”
Why does "I'm bored" become a constant refrain for so many kids?
Most kids given unstructured time rise to the occasion (after some minor complaining) and find something interesting to do with it. Kids are always happiest in self-directed play. That's because play is children's work. It's how they work out emotions and experiences they've had. Watch any group of children playing (outside, when screens are not an option) and they will organize themselves into an activity of some sort, whether that's making a dam at the creek, playing "pretend" or seeing who can jump farthest.
When kids simply can’t find something to do, it’s usually because:
- They're so used to screen entertainment that they aren’t practiced at looking inside themselves for direction.
- Their time is always so structured that they aren’t used to finding fun things to do with their “free time.”
- They need some parental attention. All kids need to check in with their parents for refueling during the course of the day.
Unfortunately, our society is raising a whole generation of children who are addicted to screens. That's because electronics (Ipads, phones, computers, game boys) are designed to produce little "dopamine" rewards in our brains as we interact with them. That's so enjoyable that other experiences pale in comparison.
But children need all kinds of other experiences, from building with blocks (motor skills, perceptual abilities) to engaging with other kids (learning how to get along and partner with others) to creative pursuits (becoming a doer, not a passive observer). Children also need to be physically active, or they can't focus to learn. That's why it's essential to limit screen time.
When children say they are bored, how should we (parents) respond?
First, stop what you’re doing and really focus on your child for five minutes. If you use this time to connect, just chat and snuggle, your child will probably get the refueling he needs and be on his way fairly quickly.
If he doesn’t pull away from you, and you need to get back to work after a few minutes of fully connecting, consider that maybe he needs a little more time with you. Most of the time when children are whiny and unable to focus, it's because they need more deep connection time with us. Offer to involve him in what you’re doing, or take a break from your work and do something together.
Once you’re confident that your child has a full “love tank,” you can revisit the “what to do” question. By now, he probably has some ideas for something he’d like to go do. If not, tell him that figuring out how to enjoy his own time is his job, but you’d be happy to help him brainstorm about possible activities.
What about when kids really do need help coming up with a boredom-busting activity? How can we help...while still making them responsible for staying busy/engaged?
Most of the time, kids left to their own devices end up doing something interesting, but sometimes they really do need our help, especially if she suddenly has more time on her hands than usual, or if you’re newly limiting TV and electronics. (Once kids get used to limitations on TV and electronics, they become good at entertaining themselves, and more creative at play.)
Even if you need to help your child come up with ideas for “what to do,” shift the responsibility to her by creating a Boredom Jar stuffed with ideas written on pieces of paper. Whenever a child says she’s bored, she picks three pieces of paper from the jar and chooses one of the activities. Here are some examples of ideas that might be in your Boredom Buster jar.
Make a book of jokes
Build a fort with blankets and pillows
Write your Grandma a letter
Run around the yard three times
Put on some music and dance
Wash the mirror with a sponge
Write down ten things you love about each person in your family
Brush the dog or give her a bath
Find shapes in the clouds
See how many times you can dribble the basketball
Paint or draw a picture
Wash the car
Plan a treasure hunt, with clues
Ride your bike
Make a scene in a cardboard box
Start a journal
Make homemade wrapping paper
Organize your room
Write a story
Create a play with costumes
Cut out pictures from magazines and make a collage
Cut up old holiday cards and make holiday stickers for next year by coating the back with gelatin glue, let dry (dissolve 2 tsp gelatin in 5 tsp boiling water.)
Surprise your mom by making lunch
Make a zoo for your stuffed animals
Make & decorate a calendar of the summer, with important dates marked.
Put juice & cut-up fruit into ice cube trays to make ice cubes.
Create a family newspaper/newsletter
Make dessert
Start a collection (leaves, rocks, buttons)
Hang a clothesline in your room and clip photos to it to make an album
Create a circus performance
Make your room into a rainforest
Make a sculpture from pretzels and peanut butter
Make an obstacle course
Make a placemat (just laminate it at the local copy shop)
Write some limericks or haiku
Decorate an old teeshirt with cool buttons & fabric pens
Start a club
Use old cardboard tubes and boxes to build a marble maze.
Make "funky junk" art out of old jewelry
Read a book
Have a water balloon fight (outside!)
Memorize a poem and recite it for your parents
Make a boat using a plastic soda bottle base & popsicle sticks (use duct tape) for the top, then float it at the pond.
Draw a picture of a desert island with all the things you would want on it
Blindfold your sibling & take them on a tour of your house & yard, then trade places.
Play a board game
Create your own board game
See if you can draw a picture with your foot.
Draw on the sidewalk with chalk
Play hopscotch
Play jumprope
Play with bubbles in the sink
Weed the garden
Make puppets with old socks, buttons & markers.
Make a list of fun things you can do without a grownup
Mix liquid hand soap, cornstarch and food coloring into paint and paint the bathtub.
If it really does seem like there is nothing to do, is using electronics and TV ever an acceptable solution?
The problem with using TV or electronic games to alleviate boredom is that it is one of those temporary solutions that digs you into a deeper hole. Studies show that kids who regularly use electronics are more likely to feel bored when not doing so than other kids. Even after eliminating the habit, it can take months for them to find other activities about which they're passionate. But don't give up -- you're doing their creativity an enormous favor!
If your child can read, there is never "nothing" to do. There is a whole world of books just waiting. Of course, you will need to schedule a weekly library trip to find wonderful books. And you will have to "hook" your child on a book by beginning it with her. Choose a book she can read, but might not choose on her own -- a simple chapter book, rather than a picture book, for example. Read together until you have to answer the phone or start dinner, but a minimum of a quarter of the book, so your child is hooked. Then tell her it's time for her read-alone time. It’s her choice. Does she want to keep reading the book you've just gotten her into, or read something else? Most kids grab the book and finish it themselves. (If she doesn't, you may need to drop back a level to a slightly simpler book.) Keep choosing engrossing, slightly harder books. If you need ideas for fascinating children's books, there are many wonderful lists online including 5 Star Children's Books.
If your child CAN read but has been reading all day and needs a break, and you have just spent half an hour with her and can't spend more, and there are no playmates around, and your child can't find anything to do in the boredom buster jar, she needs a special project that she can get passionate about. This is the time to pull out something special you've tucked away. For me, it was toothpicks, mini marshmallows and gumdrops, which could be fashioned into wonderful sculptures and of course held special appeal because some found their way into little mouths that didn't get much sugar. This may be a compromise you wouldn't make, but every child has something they would find fascinating for half an hour that you can arrange for those emergency situations.
If your child cannot yet read, but you are available, there are thousands of wonderful things you can do with your child. You are likely to draw a blank in that moment when your child is whining, so it's worth making a list in advance. Again, there are many wonderful lists online of parent-child activities. I highly recommend games that are designed to bring you closer to your child, because these will fill his cup, after which he will be more able to figure out what else to do. (They also deepen your relationship, which makes kids much more cooperative and makes you both happier.) Here are some examples: Games to Play with Your Child for Connection & Emotional Intelligence.
So those times when there really is "nothing" to do are mostly when your child cannot yet read to herself well enough to stay engrossed for an hour, and you are otherwise occupied. If you can include your child in your activity, your problem is solved. Small children love to wash windows, cook dinner, help you fold laundry, etc. If they can't be directly involved (for instance, stirring a pot on the stove or cutting the onions), set them up with a child-sized table in or next to your kitchen, give them a plastic knife and some soft fruit, and let them make a fruit salad for dessert. You will never see such a proud child. Or let them "wash" the porch with water while you vacuum inside. Or "clean out" the cupboard where you keep your pots and pans.
If you are doing something that precludes your child helping or even being in the same room, such as sweeping up broken glass, put on some music. Most preschoolers and toddlers love music, and will happily dance to it, or march around beating a rhythm on a pot, and singing to the music. Of course, that's not a quiet activity!
But let's assume you are doing something where they can't be involved, such as nursing the baby to sleep, and your toddler or preschooler needs to be kept busy and quiet. Preschoolers can often happily occupy themselves for an hour with water or sand (set them up in the bathroom with a baby bathtub of water, ice cubes, pouring toys, etc, or a small plastic tub of sand with small toys), and if you have a monitor, you will be able to hear if he needs you.
Another wonderful option is a book on tape or cd. A good one will mesmerize your child, and unlike visual screens, they stimulate the imagination and encourage a love of books and stories.
But the real issue with young children is that they need supervision. In such a case, when you can't supervise them, is it so terrible to put your two or three year old in front of a screen for half an hour? Of course not. Choose a tape that is limited in length so there's a natural ending to eliminate fights when you turn it off, and to keep your child from seeing commercials. Give your child something to look forward to afterwards ("Once the baby is asleep, you and I will spend some special time together"). And just be sure you turn off the screen once you're available, rather than taking advantage of it to finish "just one more thing" on your computer!
You recommend that kids don't watch much, if any, TV. Why?
Because TV is addictive, and like all addictions, it has a high cost that we usually avoid acknowledging. Research shows that people who don't watch TV are happier and healthier, have better self-esteem, and are less fearful.
Females who don't watch TV have a healthier body image. This is all even more true for kids, because TV has a bigger impact on them. Not surprisingly, families who watch less TV are closer, and kids who see less TV become sexually active at a later age.
But let's start with reading. We know that kids who love to read do better in school. Virtually all parents say they want their children to love reading, but most kids stop reading books that aren't assigned in school by middle school. Only 28 percent of eighth graders score at or above the proficiency level in reading; in fact, only two percent of them read at an advanced level. What happens?
TV and reading are linked: Research shows that the more TV kids watch before the age of eight, the less they read after the age of eight. Of course, that's a correlation, so it doesn't prove that one leads to the other, but most researchers are convinced. If you want your children to be readers, don't let them get addicted to TV and videos. Time spent on the one activity precludes the other. And once kids develop the habit of TV, they are less likely to seek out books of their own accord. Books -- which are more work -- just can't compete with the lure of the screen.
So no TV or videos at all? Isn't that a little extreme?
My position on TV might be considered unusual by most people in the U.S., where TV watching is so constant in most households. My view is that kids should watch as little as possible, so that it is a special occasion, like going to a movie, rather than a daily habit. My wish for every child is that reading should become a daily habit. Once the habit of reading is ingrained, it can compete with electronic media and it's ok to introduce TV sparingly, so kids have some clue what their friends are talking about.
But when children are little, before they can read, TV is ok?
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the age of two not watch TV or videos at all, and that older children watch only one to two hours per day AT MOST of nonviolent, educational TV without advertising.
My own view is that 2-8 year olds should watch only occasional TV, so it doesn't become a habit. TV actually changes the way kids' brains develop, and shortens their attention spans for other activities. It also changes our brain chemistry, at least temporarily, and for some people that can be addictive. Kids have lots of developmental tasks, from playing with other kids to building block towers, and TV can keep kids from those tasks.
I don't think any parent would disagree that children under the age of eight should not be watching any violent TV. There is substantial research confirming that the more commercial TV children watch, the more likely they are to exhibit aggression with other children.
Isn't public television ok?
I know there's some very good programming on public TV. But even public TV sets up the passive habit of watching and starts the addiction. By the time he's eight, if not much earlier, he won't be watching only public TV anymore. 44% of children and virtually all teens report watching different programs when their parents are not around. Most parents have given up trying to control what their kids watch by the time they're ten. And while ten year olds should have some control over their own viewing, most parents of ten year olds agree that they want to set some limits.
Also, habitual TV, even educational TV, limits the child's own innate imagination. Preschool teachers say they always know the kids who watch a lot of TV, because those kids don't seem capable of making up original stories -- their internal world is populated by TV heroes and plots.
So if you need an occasional babysitter, is public TV ok? Of course. But if you set up a regular relationship with it, remember that your child isn't just developing a relationship with public TV, but with TV in general.
Doesn't Sesame Street teach children to read?
I know that kids can learn their letters from Sesame Street. But kids whose parents read to them daily actually learn to read earlier than kids who have the poor substitute of Sesame Street. Kids learn vocabulary mostly from the conversations they have with us; it's an active usage learning rather than a passive learning.
So of course I will read to and talk to my child. But doesn't Sesame Street help?
Sesame Street may actually be bad for kids. There is some evidence that the quick cutting that toddlers get used to as they view it is bad for their attention spans, but in the general scheme of risk factors, I wouldn't rank Sesame Street very high.
Bottom line, though, in my view, is that the downside of the addiction isn't worth it. I don't know a single child who started with Sesame Street and did not go on to "harder stuff," and that stuff -- commercial TV -- has been proven to be a risk factor, because of the violence, the sex, the destructive messages about what's an acceptable way to look, and of course the ads. Just the habit of watching TV at all is a risk factor. But I do know many children who never watched Sesame Street, because TV watching just wasn't something their families did. Every one of them is a precocious reader, an excellent student, and a creative person who pursues his or her own passions in life, from creative writing to athletics to art.
But how awful to constantly have to tell your kids they can't watch TV.
Actually, if it has never been part of their world at home, younger kids are unlikely to ever ask, even if they see TV at friends' houses. I personally decided it would be worse for me to have the constant struggle of setting limits around TV watching, than to simply leave it out of our lives. In our family, that was the right decision and we didn't miss it. Of course, every family is different. And kids change as they get older; some kids will ask to watch what their friends are watching when they reach age ten or so, and you may decide to let them watch at that point.
What do I do without TV to occupy my child? I can't imagine.
You wouldn't let your child do other self-destructive things just to keep him busy. So why TV? But actually kids who have never watched TV are much more resourceful about keeping themselves entertained, because they are used to it. I have never seen a toddler who wasn't busy. And busy toddlers who don't watch TV grow into busy preschoolers who are engaged with the world and don't complain about being bored.
The kids I know who didn't grow up watching TV learned to structure their own time. They all became voracious readers, but they don't only read, of course. They are generally more physically active. They tend to be more creative, whether writing songs or building zoos for their toy animals. And they certainly don't need entertaining all the time, because they haven't gotten used to being entertained.
This may all be true, but sometimes I need to put my toddler in front of the screen while I tend to the baby. There is no other option.
Of course. Some moms tell me they use it every Sunday morning so they can have sex with their husbands. We've all used the screen to occupy our children sometimes. But occasional use is very different than a daily habit.
One option is to keep a stash of movies that you feel good about. That way, the child doesn't get used to TV episodes, and because he sees the movies over and over, usually he doesn't find them so appealing that he will give up building towers to watch. Of course, given the nature of addiction, toddlers can still howl for the same movie over and over.
I watched TV and it didn't hurt me.
This is not your mom's TV. Seriously, the level of violence is up dramatically. The constant commodification of sex now was unthinkable in the relatively prudish days of our childhoods. The commercial messages are developed with extensive research to be as insidious as possible. And, by the way, most parents have some issues around their bodies that come partly from all the media images we see. So unless you can say that you completely love and accept your body exactly as it is, you might not be as unaffected by TV as you think.
But I love to watch TV with my child. It gives me ideas to talk about with her.
One of the most positive things I can say about TV is that it is a bonding experience for many parents and teens or middle-schoolers, and I am not against using it that way. I would ask yourself, though, if that's an excuse. Families who don't watch TV talk more than families who do.
Ok, I just love TV. That's how I relax. I am not about to give it up.
If you love TV for yourself, fine -- watch it after the kids go to bed. You can tape any show you want and watch in private. But that doesn't mean you need to get your child addicted to TV or exposed to the messages in the shows you like. I was appalled by recent research showing that half of all American adults would not give up TV for under a million dollars. The other half wouldn't give it up at all! (I guess those of us who would give it up are so few as to be statistically insignificant!) That to me is the essence of addiction: the unwillingness to give up a behavior that puts bad stuff into your body or mind, and uses up resources (time or money) you would like to use on other things that would help you to flourish. Virtually every parent says that one of the biggest problems in his or her life is lack of time, and yet most people spend some of that precious time on TV.
I guess I am not convinced that TV is so harmful to me, or my kids, if used judiciously.
Obviously, commercial TV is what is really harmful, not public television. And the more TV, the worse the effects. So there is no question that judicious use is a whole lot better than daily use. But since TV is addictive, usage increases over time. And we all lie to ourselves about how bad our addictions are.
And let's face it: even moderate TV use can't be considered GOOD for your child. We've already discussed the fact that preschoolers who watch TV are rated as less creative by their teachers. Did you know that elementary school kids who watch TV have more fears than kids who don't, and that the same is true of their parents? That middle schoolers who watch TV are much more likely to be sexual with other kids? That the more TV teens watch, the more likely they are to be sexual earlier, and the more likely they are to have body image issues and eating disorders?
It sounds like you're lumping two year olds in with teenagers!
Most of the time, two year olds who get used to watching TV become eight year olds who like to watch TV who become fifteen year olds who like to watch TV. I personally would rather have my fifteen year old watch minimal TV, because research shows that the more TV people watch, the less healthy they are physically and emotionally. But obviously a fifteen year old is deciding what to do with his own time most of the time. And that's the real point: kids who start out with the habit of TV usually retain it as an important part of their lives and are influenced by it at each stage. And the more TV teens watch, the less healthy they are emotionally. (I admit that this is a chicken or egg dilemma, of course.)
What about computer games? Those seem different; my child doesn't just zone out, she is engaged and I think she is learning arithmetic!
I feel less strongly against computer games than TV, because they engage the brain more, because there are no commercials, and because the parent theoretically can control which games their children use. However, kids may start out with a Harry Potter game at age six and end up with Grand Theft Auto when they're twelve. And computer games are, if anything, even more addictive.
Certainly they aren't physically addicting, you must mean kids just love them?
Very sophisticated testing is done on games to insure that they are physically addictive. They're designed to stimulate the user's adrenalin and other neurotransmitters. Your body is bathed in chemicals as soon as you sit down to enjoy them. That's physical addiction. Often, people crave time in front of their computers with a physical craving akin to a food craving. So typically, kids' usage of games increases as they get older and they're in front of computers for homework.
I have heard that kids can develop carpal tunnel.
Computers are a huge public health risk for today's children, who are being subjected as guinea pigs to computer use on a huge scale. There is some evidence that they are laying the foundation of carpal tunnel type injuries, and that too much screen time impacts their eyes. But we don't know enough yet to issue comprehensive warnings and most parents are unaware of these things.
Ok, let's go back to TV. I am concerned that if I deny them TV, my kids will be pariahs in their peer group. They will have no way to relate to other kids.
I know lots of kids who don't watch TV. They find ways to relate to other kids. Hopefully, TV does not completely dominate kids lives, does it? Some of them do find it challenging within their peer group not to know much about TV, although usually those kids make up for their lack of TV knowledge with their extra creativity and their well-read minds. However, once reading is established, I am not against small quantities of TV, such as watching a specific popular weekly show just so they'll know what the other kids are talking about.
My own daughter never watched TV until she was ten, unless she was home sick from school. At that point, she began to feel left out when kids at school discussed TV, and I gave her carte blanche to watch on weekends once her homework was done, as long as the shows seemed appropriate for her age. For about a year, she taped shows during the week, and watched occasionally on weekends. After that, she lost interest. Now 13, she spends her free time reading and writing short stories.
So your daughter did ask to watch TV when she got to be ten?
Yes, I think kids that age start being more concerned with what their peers are discussing, and it's hard for them to be different. My son never watched TV when he was little and didn't get interested in it until he was 17, when he and I began renting old episodes of West Wing to watch together. When we finished West Wing, we moved on to Battlestar Galactica. These are both shows that offer great opportunities for discussions about ethics, so I loved watching them with him. And of course I'm not concerned that he'll develop a TV addiction at this point. That happens before kids are ten.
I should add, though, that my son is now a movie fan. And I have to admit that he loves his computer games -- he moonlights on a web team designing a game -- and limiting his time on them is our biggest source of conflict.
If your son is a movie fan, he must be watching movies on TV?
Even when he was young, if he requested to see a movie, we took him. And we have always rented movies and watched them together as a family. It gives the parents control over which movie, and the opportunity to talk with kids about whatever comes up during the movie. Of course, by the time my son was 15, he was going with friends to movies, and he began making his own choices about renting movies, including movies I find overly violent. But he is capable of deciding what he can handle.
Reading is great. But I don't want to raise a nerd. I want my kids to be well-rounded. Depriving kids of TV seems like such a hard line position.
I know it seems that way if you love to watch TV. But my kids say they never felt deprived, or like they were "not allowed" to watch TV, just that it wasn't something our family ever did. They're known as kids who read a lot, but they also play sports, act in the school plays, etc, so they're hardly social outcasts. Well rounded, in my view, means developing their bodies, intellects, social skills, spirituality, and emotional intelligence. I don't think watching folks bump each other off on TV would help them be any better rounded than they are. In fact, I think it would cut into their athletic and creative pursuits.
But what do you do when you're watching and they're around?
It may sound strange, but I have never turned on our TV unless there's a news crisis or someone I know is being interviewed. I always have too much else I'd rather do. If I just want to chill out, I read. Or I sit and meditate, which always rejuvenates me. I realize that wouldn't work for everyone, but our house is a lot more pleasant without TV. I am grateful to be able to minimize the violent and manipulative images that go into all of our minds.
Do you mean no one at your house watches the news?
My husband, son and I read the daily newspaper, and various magazines. We listen to NPR. We only watch the TV news for a reason -- election returns, a major crisis, presidential debates. Until my daughter was about 12, I shielded her from the worst crises. I still have images from various crises in my memory that I'm glad she doesn't have in hers.
Surely 11 is old enough to know what's going on in the world?
We have talked our kids' whole lives at the dinner table about what's going on in the world. What is gained by a child watching sensationalistic news reports about people hurt or dying? Studies show that kids who watch TV news are harmed by it -- they become more fearful. Actually, studies show that even adults who watch TV news believe the world is a more dangerous place than it actually is, but that's a different discussion.
We began this discussion with the question of why TV has been proven to be bad for kids' academic performance. But we're gotten into the question of TV as a lifestyle. Do you recommend that people throw out their TVs?
I can't give advice for other adults. But I would say that limiting kids' TV use is simple protective parenting, just like limiting their dessert intake. TV is not neutral. TV is a powerful teacher, and what it has been proven to teach is directly opposed to my values. TV is designed to manipulate and exploit children. I probably don't need to remind you that the folks who make TV, even the news shows, are not doing it for our benefit, but to get viewers so they can sell those viewers to advertisers. That's their product -- the viewers they attract and sell.
I did not want my growing children -- or myself -- exposed to infinite numbers of murders, constant urges to buy, and unlimited inappropriate sexual and sexist messages. I've read the research, and it's convincing. TV has a bad effect on viewers, and the younger kids are, the worse the effect.
Can you tell us about the research?
A 17-year-long study found that teenage boys who grew up watching more than an hour of TV each day are four times more likely to commit acts of violence than those who watched less than an hour a day.
A 22-year-long study found that watching lots of TV violence at age eight was linked to more aggressive behavior at ages 19 and 30 years.
91 percent of children say they feel "upset" or "scared" by violence on television. In a random survey of grade school kids, 37% of the kids said they were frightened or upset by a TV story in the previous year. Their symptoms included bad dreams, anxious feelings, being afraid of being alone, withdrawing from friends, and missing school.
Former US Surgeon General David Satcher has stated that "repeated exposure to violent entertainment during early childhood causes more aggressive behavior throughout a child's life."
The American Psychological Association says that children who regularly watch violence on television are more fearful and distrustful of the world, less bothered by real-world violence, and slower to intervene or call for help when they see fighting or destructive behavior. After watching violent programs, the APA reports, children are more likely to act out aggressively, and children who are regularly exposed to violent programming show a greater tendency toward hitting, arguing, leaving tasks unfinished, and impatience.
And if the violence and dulling of creativity aren't bad enough, there are the self esteem issues. Every child who watches commercial TV is bombarded with advertising messages that have been designed, sparing no cost, to convince us that we need to buy a product to feel good about ourselves and have a good life. We all know that ads are effective in getting kids to pester parents for products, what we don't see directly is what they do to self esteem.
Many studies have shown that girls who watch TV feel worse about their bodies and have lower self esteem in general.
In a study of elementary school children, Caucasian kids who watched more violent TV programs believed that African-American kids were less competent and less obedient.
There are health effects, too. Many TV ads encourage unhealthy eating habits. Two-thirds of the 20,000 TV ads an average child sees each year are for food, and most are for high-sugar foods.
While watching TV, the metabolic rate seems to go even lower than during rest. This means that a person burns fewer calories while watching TV than when just sitting quietly, doing nothing.
A long-term study found a link between television, MTV, and alcohol consumption among teens. Other research has shown that those who watch more TV are also more likely to smoke cigarettes and marijuana
One survey revealed that 76% of teenagers indicated that one reason young people have sex is because TV shows and movies make it seem more normal for their age group.
Here are some additional facts from the National Institute on Media and the Family:
• American children, ages 2-17, watch television on average almost 25 hours per week or 3+ hours a day. Almost one in five watch more than 35 hours of TV each week (Gentile & Walsh, 2002).
• 28% of children's television shows contain four or more acts of violence (Woodward, 1999).
• One in five E/I (educational/informational) designated children's programs was found to have little or no educational value (Woodward, 1999).
• 99% of American families have TV sets, with the average family owning 2.75 sets (Annenberg Public Policy Center, 1999).
• 44% of children and teens report watching different programs when their parents are not around (Strasburger & Donnerstein, 1999).
• Twenty percent of 2- to 7-year-olds, 46% of 8- to 12-year-olds, and 56% of 13- to 17-year-olds have TVs in their bedrooms (Gentile & Walsh, 2002).
• During the 1998/1999 television season the prime time evening hours was the most popular time slot for children ages two to eleven to watch TV. (Barron's, 1999).
All parents desire that their children share their problems with their parents. However, many children do not share the same desire. Why does such a situation arise?
It is very often painful for children to bring up their problems to their parents. If, what they get in return from their parents are nothing more that irrelevant, and sometimes inappropriate, responses and instructions, the children will feel that it is not worth their trouble to be open with their parents. Also, sometimes, the responses are so disempowering to the children that they are actually not only counter-productive, they can be very damaging to their children's development.
We, as parents, have to understand the reasons why giving out advices without careful understanding is not helpful. We will have to learn to respond to our children's problems in such a way that we empower them to solve their own problems.
We shall now discuss the reasons why giving advices to our children the usaul way is not helpful to our children.
We assume that we know what the problems are and forget to first listen carefully in order to better understand the problems. As a result, due to lack of in-depth understanding of the real issues, the advice that we so readily provide will not be relevant and will not solve the problems.
Without sufficient probing, we may not understand our children’s points of view or perspectives on what trouble them. As a result we do not provide the solutions that our children need. When our children share conflict that they are having with their friends, we may start advising them on how to stay away from those friends while they actually may be feeling guilty for not treating their friends right and want to gain the courage to apologize to their friend. As a result we may be doing further damage to relationships that they are trying so hard to salvage.
In our eagerness and haste to provide the counsel, we forget to extend empathy to our children for the problems they are facing. Our children will not feel connected to us, and they may feel that whatever suggestions we provide have no bearings on their problems and are unlikely to be accepted.
As we are the one dishing out the advice, if the advice turns out to be good, the credit goes to us and not to our children. On the other hand, if the advice is taken and implemented but does not turn out to be successful, it is taken to be our children’s fault as the advice is likely to have been one that was successful when followed by another person. In this case, it is a lose-lose situation for our children because if the advice is successful, we claim the credit and if it is a failure, it is a reflection of our children’s incompetence and stupidity.
We take the position of the experts who have the knowledge and wisdom and we talk down when we give advice, instead of speaking as equals. We treat our children as if they have neither the knowledge nor the skills to handle the problems. It is a one-way traffic and likely to be resented by our children because they feel that we treat them as if they have nothing good to share with us.
We give the message that we think our children cannot develop the solutions themselves. This is disempowering for our children and will do great harm to our children’s development.
We do not show appreciation for the efforts our children have taken in solving their own problems. This will discourage them to take great efforts in coming up with their own solutions and taking the necessary steps to solve the problems when other problems crop up in the future.
They may just want to share their problems with us and do not want or need any counsel from us at all. Whatever advice we provide may not only be futile, but damaging to our children’s self esteem.
We shall now discuss what we shall take into consideration when we respond to our children's sharing of the issues that they face.
How are you going to understand their problems and help your children gain a better understanding of their own problems so that they can develop their own solutions? As parents, we encourage our children to connect the various aspects of the problem that trouble them in order to help them to have a good grasp of the specific issues that trouble them and encourage them to develop their own solutions.
How are you going to show sufficient empathy with your children so that they feel fully connected with you enough to express their real thoughts and feelings and be receptive of what wisdom you may have to offer? Our children want to feel that we are there with them - not just physically, but emotionally as well. We want them to feel that we do feel the way they feel. It is vital that we do not belittle their feelings.
How are you going to make the situations "win-win" for them? That is, how are you going to encourage them to develop their own solutions and they take the credit when they succeed and also take the credit for the efforts taken when they fail? If they are the ones who come up with the solutions they should be the ones who claim the credits when they succeed. On the other hand, if they fail, provide the encouragement that they have taken the efforts which are by themselves very admirable. When they fail, encourage them to get up again, examine the reasons for failure and try again.
The last, but definitely not the least, question is this: “What else can you do to make them feel that it is always good for them to bring their problems to you?”
